i drove home without a seatbelt

because i wanted to see what it felt like.
because i wanted to be a rebel.
because i wanted to feel like i at least had some control of my life - that i was at least able to control whether a wore a seat belt or not.
i guess it was kinda like a cheap sky-dive or snowboarding session - new, dangerous, life threatening.

this decision came after leaving work at 1am after being there since 730am (minus lunch). the whole time at work i have been stressed about how behind i am and how much work i have to do, yet i was unable to bring myself to do the work. i was too lazy to focus and just do it. it wasn't that difficult of a task either. just some excel stuff. instead i surfed the internet and read news for hours on end. and i didn't go home because in my head, i kept telling myself in a few minutes, i'll buckle down and work hard for a few hours and get it done. that never happened.

days like this happen maybe 3 days a week. some times i would then get in the car, start the engine, start driving, and yell "fuck" as loud as i can. and then i do it again for a longer period of time, holding the uuuhhhh part at the top of my lungs. and then i take a deep breath to do it again. but i'm too tired so i just exhale and stop.

i guess maybe my seatbelt example is similar to that explanation about how porn and masturbation are used as a way to exercise control by someone who is going through anger or loneliness. i never really understood or agreed with that explanation. i just find porn and masturbation to be very addictive.

oh, and about once every two or three days, i fail to brush my teeth. one of my new year's resolutions has become to brush my teeth twice a day.

fuck. i'm going to go see a psychologist.