2016 Resolutions

1. Make and launch an app, website, or some company, and publicize it.

2. Finish a Kaggle challenge

3. Draft a short story, 25,000 words

4. Get rejected 365 times

5. Leave my day job and have at least 2 full months of not working. Get barreled in a tube while surfing in SE Asia.

6. Guitar: be able to play Pachelbel's Canon in D on guitar

7. No Porn nor masturbation. For the day. One day at a time. For the year. Forever.

What's the use of a hobby? What happens when a hobby dies

What's the use of a hobby?

Is it just to give myself confidence when I look back at how much I have improved myself over time? The slow and consistent improvement gives me joy when I look back, even if there's no one else in the world to validate it.

Hobbies make my life feel more meaningful and valuable, and then that internalizes and manifests outwardly as pride, joy, and confidence (e.g. being able to look someone in the eye and smile), EVEN if I never tell anyone else about my accomplishments in that hobby. That's probably what hobbies are useful for.

I wonder if a animals have hobbies. Maybe they don't because they're too busy getting better at fighting/hunting/surviving/attracting a mate.

Maybe that's what hobbies are really for too - attracting a mate. Because as explained above, it'll make us happy and confident about what we can accomplish in our lives, and we are all attracted to confidence.

So.... hobby on.

Death of a hobby:

I want to be able to do cutbacks and get into barrels for surfing, but I'm not sure what's the whole point of it is after I stop the hobby. I know i'm going to move away from the beach soon. And I've noticed for myself that I need to surf about twice a week in order to maintain my shoulder muscles, or else I can't paddle for shit. So then that just means I will sooner or later give up this hobby. 

When I partake in it now, it's just for the current fun and joy I get out of it, which is totally fine. I guess the future joy in it comes from being able to look back and say "yeah i did that." Just like "yeah, I've been to Europe", or "yeah I have 5 years of engineering experience, I did that", and that gives us a sense of joy/confidence. 

hrm.. I'd need to think more about "death of a hobby" and how that'll impact me. Professional athletes sometimes retire early even when they're still young and healthy because they feel accomplished enough. Or rich people retire early because they've earned enough.

So retiring or stopping early in a pursuit doesn't mean that pursuit was a worthless ambition - because they've already met their goal and when they look back, they feel happy about it. I guess same thing goes for my hobbies that I eventually quit.

You never know

Wasn't sure if I locked the car door today when I got to my desk. So I got up and walked back to the parking lot. As I was approaching it,

When to Give Up

Caught up with a friend of mine who was in a similar life-situation, but a little more motivated.

The life situation of "how the fuck do you live life".

He provided me the following thought experiment about when to give up on something you believe is right:

If you were teaching your child how to walk, and at first he doesn't get it, do you give up?

Startups aren't exactly the same, but it was a good analogy.

By a thread

How do you not give up when you're just hanging by a thread?

I once asked an MMA fighter why he enjoyed MMA.
He said because it's the essence of life. Fighting.
You're literally fighting for your life. It's that feeling of when someone is on top of you, sitting on your chest and bashing your face into the ground. Fist after fist. And you're coughing, can't breath, bleeding from your nose, eyes, mouth. Blood mixed with sweat, and you're just hanging on by a thread, and you're dazed, and thinking about just giving up, just closing your eyes, just going to sleep. But instead, you clench your teeth, yell, and pull, draw up, suck out, and claw into existence whatever little willpower and energy you had into an unshakable determination to not give up or back down.
And you clench your fingers into a fist and launch it into the face your enemy and push his ass off your chest.
And you spring back to life, to light, to fight, to fight, to FIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

My understanding of how beer is made

Alcohol comes from yeast.

1. you create sugar water.
this involves making lots of hot water (but not quite boiling hot), and then cooking grains (malted barely) in it. This gets the carbohydrate out of the grain and into the water.
2. you put in hops for flavoring (that shitty bitter taste)
3. you put yeast into the sugar water
The yeast poops out alcohol and farts out carbon dioxide. Too much yeast results in too much alcohol too quickly and then the yeast can't make more alcohol cuz they're swimming in their own poop. When the yeast is done making alcohol, they clump together and fall to the bottom, leaving the rest of the liquid clear. That clumping thing is called flocculation.

http://www.whitelabs.com/beer/homebrew/beginners-attenuation-and-flocculation-definitions


If you create the sugar water from grapes, and let the yeast do its work in an OPEN container (so that no carbonation occurs) you get wine. If you distill wine (boil it so that the alcohol evaporates first, and you collect all the alcohol) you get brandy.





The carbonation comes in two ways:

All beer leaves the brewer carbonated. This is accomplished in one of two ways - natural and forced carbonation. In both cases beer and carbon dioxide are sealed in a container under pressure. The beer absorbs the CO2 giving the beer its fizz. 

Natural carbonation results from the fermentation process. Fermentation produces alcohol and carbon dioxide as yeast digests the sugar in the wort. Although most of the carbon dioxide is allowed to escape during fermentation the brewer will seal the beer in a container when it is almost complete. This is how natural carbonation is used to carbonate beer in holding vessels at the brewery and in casks. 

Anther way to use natural carbonation is in the bottle. In this case the beer is allowed to ferment completely. It is left unfiltered which leaves active yeast suspended in it. Then a small amount of sugar is added at bottling time. Once the bottles are sealed and the yeast begins to act on the sugar, CO2 is released and absorbed by the beer. 

When beer is force carbonated it is allowed to fully ferment. Then CO2 to pumped into a sealed container with the beer and absorbed into the liquid.

http://beer.about.com/od/commercialbeers/f/fizz.htm

a major sign

i think a major sign of a quarter life crisis, mild depression, or just the fact that i'm a terrible person...
is that i have not been a man of my word during this period of my life.

and i hate it.

in these past few months it almost seems like...

every deadline i committed to, i missed
every promise i gave, i broke
every appointment i made, i was late to
every friendship i had, i strained
every temptation i met, i gave in
every test i took, i failed
every free moment i had, i wasted
every girl i wanted to speak with, i was too afraid to approach
every bridge, burned
every flower, faded
dream, dashed...

although that's an exaggeration, many days it indeed feels like it.

some possible additions to the list:
every joke i made, sucked
pimple on my face, hurt like hell

science fiction - chapter 1ish

alarm clock buzz. the alarm clock produces a sound so disruptive, so rude. i slammed it with the palm of my hand, hoping i hit the snooze button. i did. i sat up in my bed. it was very quiet, very cold. my bed was warm. i could see my breath. i looked around and grabbed a bottle of pills from my nightstand and shook out a pill onto my palm. three pills came out. "what if i ate all three", i wondered. that'll be 300 mg of caffeine. probably nothing will happen. i put two of the pills back in and popped the remaining one in my mouth. i pulled the sheets back over my shoulder and went back to sleep until the next snooze. maybe the caffeine would've kicked in by then. damn. a new day, maybe one day i'll be less lazy and actually buy coffee.

six hours and another caffeine pill later i paced around the the courtyard of my office. stepping on some dried leaves. I was trying not to make eye contact with co-workers walking in and out of the building, going to-and-from meetings. So many meetings. I had so much work and I was so behind. And it wasn’t like the work was boring either. It was actually kinda interesting, and my co-workers were pretty cool. I didn't even know why I was talking a break outside. “I’m just taking a work-break, getting some fresh air and sunlight” I told myself.

BS. I was in a quarter life crisis and didn't want to stay on earth anymore. That’s why I was taking a break outside.

The next train to 5-West was taking off in a few hours from Los Angeles Intermodal Station. i had a ticket. all I had to do was take the 30 minute drive to get to the Station. Forget this. Forget trying to go back inside to get some more work done. I’m gonna start this long weekend early. I went back inside, packed up my stuff, and took the roundabout exit out to my car to avoid having to walk past my managers.

the drive to the Station was pretty pleasant. the trains ran underground of course so you couldn't see them from the freeway, but as you approach the airport portion of the Station, you get to see the planes line up in their landing pattern in the sky. i was looking at the planes when someone in a white lexus recklessly zoomed past me and cut me off. the speed limit was 120, i for once was lawfully obeying it, but the lexus must've at least been going 150. i used to drive recklessly like that too, and i don't know if it was because of the music i was listening to, or just the fact that i was bored, but i decided to chase it down a bit. besides, i didn't get the turbo edition of my car for nothing. i disabled the autodrive and took control control of the vehicle, Shifted into sports mode - 125, 130, 145, 160, 170. i caught up pretty easily. i intended to drive by and have the lexus eat my dust.

just as i was about pass, i took quick glance to see what kind of a person was behind the wheel. it was a girl. about my age, from what i saw through the tinted windows. she seemed attractive too...

whatever. see you later. i stepped on the gas a little harder and engaged the turbo.

she must've been reading my mind because she accelerated right after i did. in fact she must've hit the burners because she was half a car length behind me and edging up. 170, 175, 180... this was turning into a race. we were going a bit too fast... even for me. the freeway had a slight left turn and i was on the left of her, so i had a shorter distance because of the turn, but she was still gaining ground and by the end of the turn we were dead even.

the lane was merging up ahead and there were cars on our sides and in front of us. do i push it and risk a 42 car pile up and the death of innocent men, women, and children?

nah, maybe on a cloudy day, but i was going on a mini vacation. you can have this race.
i let off the accelerator and let her into my lane in front of me. we both braked hard to avoid killing the cars in front of us as we slowed down to the regular speed of traffic. a few seconds later she took the off ramp of the right. i almost wanted to follow her a bit to see where she'd go and what her life story was. maybe next time.

i parked my car in long term parking and proceeded to my terminal.

the walls and ceiling of the entire terminal was made of what seemed like one huge piece of glass. i couldn't even find any seams where two pieces of glass came together. i'm not sure whether it's because of the vast openness of the architecture, or the very soothing chimes that they played every hour, but train stations and airports always gave me this unique feeling. like as if i was about to embark on something important.

i felt like there should've been some some music going on as i walked through the terminal towards the check-in counter. there certainly was music going on in my head. it was an old song called "intro" by the xx.

"alrighty sir, you're all set for the 1230 express train to Five West, Outer Geosynchronous Orbit. Your gate is 23, and your seat is..."
the attendant looked down at my ticket as she was handing it to me, "15a, so it looks like you'll be in our business class today." she looked up and smiled. she was probably surprised that i was sitting business class given that i was wearing a hoodie and jeans. yeah i was surprised too. thank you monopoly deal for the letting me win the free ticket.

i smiled back. "thank you". i took the ticket, and picked up my carry on. as i turned away from the counter i noticed the person waiting next in line. was that the girl driving the other car? i couldn't really tell. we made eye contact. i smiled and nodded as if to say "good day". she didn't smile, and walked past me to the counter.

she must've thought i was an idiot or some sort of creep. sigh. whatever, i'll never see you in my life ever again.

=============================


life is so weird. why do we do what we do?
we built bridges that spanned across oceans. we built mass drivers and space elevators that made propelling humans into space cheaper than going to kansas. we built gundams to mine asteroids and fight space battles. we built the ansible to communicate faster than light, and then we perfected warp drive to travel faster than light without the effects of time dilation. did the scientists who built those things desire to do that? or was it because they needed to work to make a living? if everyone had all the food and wealth they could want, what would they do? would these scientific discoveries still have been made?

Cost to train Romney to be president - Not worth it

if romney becomes president, it's gonna take him a while to move in, learn where all the bathrooms are, find out the best balcony to chill on, and how to speed dial his friends on a phone that has more buttons than a keyboard:

source: wikipedia

it'll take him maybe 50 to 60 hours to learn that stuff? (training time)

but that's just the small stuff.
to become fully productive, it'll at least take a few months.
("A survey of 610 CEOs by Harvard Business School estimates that typical mid-level managers require 6.2 months to reach their break-even point." -some random site that i'm sure is credible)

but that's just for 1 person.
there's also paul ryan and friends and a whole suite of other people. they're all gonna have to learn where the bathroom is and how to speed dial their hero netanyahu.

you can read more from this Employment Replacement Cost paper
the paper also talks about recruiting costs.

if it was 50/50 or even 51/49 between romney and obama, i'd go with obama, just because at least he already knows where the bathrooms are in the whitehouse.

Sweden's Contribution to the World in the 21st Century

Sweden's Contribution to the World in the 21st Century:

1. These bad boys

2. Electronic dance music. Because of names like Swedish house mafia and Avicii. (Sweden only has a population of 10 million. that's less than some cities!!)

I was listening to the song "don't you worry child" and was drugged by its vivid lyrics. I tried to look up its meaning and found this explanation on elyics' forum stating how this song was apparently about Jesus:

"Even from a secular POV, it's obvious the lyrics are either speaking of Christs' time on earth and his suffering on the cross; the girl may represent a sleeping church. Could also speak of the people of Israel and God's solemn promise to redeem His people. Maybe both."

Now that I think about it though, it's pretty obvious. Let's dive into the lyrics:

There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes (Before Jesus became man)
In a happy home, I was a king I had a gold throne (He was in Heaven)
Those days are gone, nowthe memories are on the wall (He became man, and now Jesus is saying this as He's on the cross)
I hear the sounds from the places where I was born (Jesus is thinking about God)

Up on the hill across the blue lake, (Hill = Calvary, Lake = the Dead Sea, probably)
thats where I had my first heart break (Betrayed by Judas and what not)
I still remember how it all changed
my father said
Don't you worry, don't you worry child (Through prayer)
See heaven's got a plan for you
Don't you worry, don't you worry now
Yeah!

There was a time, I met a girl of a different kind (talking about the Church as the Bride, or something. At this point, the theological depth of this song is too deep for my understand, as I haven't studied the Bible enough)
We ruled the world,
Thought I'll never lose her out of sight, we were so young
I think of her now and then
Still hear the songs, reminding me of a friend

It's crazy though - in their concert, these 3 artists are like gods, commanding the synchronous fist pump of a hundred thousand people:




I guess Volvos and Saabs are notable contributions too. And maybe the book/movie "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Saab kinda went bankrupt though.

"Short people got no reason, to live" - another FML...

tall people are more successful, more confident, better performers, and make more money than short people.
that is a fact: http://faculty.washington.edu/mdj3/MGMT580/Readings/Week%201/Judge.pdf

brb as i go dig a hole and die in it and then cover the hole up so i don't leave a mess for anyone else.

short people got no reason to live is a song by randy newman:

the french call it l'esprit de l'escalier

the germans call it treppenwitz

it means thinking up of a clever comeback shortly after the moment has passed.
like after you got shut down and you were left speechless, then as you're walking down the staircase towards the exit or as you're driving home reminiscing about the night, you come up with the perfect comment you should have responded with. but the moment has passed.

the bigger problem is avoir l'esprit de l'escalier. The "avoir" makes it like an infirmity you posses. it means time and time again, you only come up with that repartee as you're walking down the stairs towards the exit. you're always a few minutes too late.

i'll do all i can to prevent this from becoming the story of my life.
i'll write all my lines the night before if i have to.

Goldman-fucking-Sachs Caused Everything

Goldman Sachs caused the 2008 financial crises:
http://money.cnn.com/2011/04/13/news/economy/goldman_sachs_senate_report/index.htm
Goldman Sachs benefits from the financial crises:
http://business.time.com/2009/07/14/goldman-sachs-has-had-an-excellent-financial-crisis/

Goldman Sachs screwed Greece and the EU:
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-03-06/goldman-secret-greece-loan-shows-two-sinners-as-client-unravels.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07-hA9DW-Po&
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-connor/goldmans-role-in-greek-cr_b_479511.html

Greeks are actually not bad people:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/17/richard-parker-greece_n_1524951.html

Goldman Sachs screws Oakland:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/48413748/Oakland_Leaders_Enter_Battle_With_Goldman_Sachs

Goldman Sachs caused the great depression:
http://seekingalpha.com/article/130981-we-ve-been-here-before-goldman-sachs-1929-2009

Goldman Sachs helped cause every financial crisis since the great depression:
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-great-american-bubble-machine-20100405
In one case, Goldman allegedly gave a multimillion-dollar special offering to eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who later joined Goldman's board, in exchange for future i-banking business


One of the truly comic moments in the history of America's recent financial collapse came when Gov. Jon Corzine of New Jersey, who ran Goldman from 1994 to 1999 and left with $320 million in IPO-fattened stock, insisted in 2002 that "I've never even heard the term 'laddering' before."

For a bank that paid out $7 billion a year in salaries, $110 million fines issued half a decade late were something far less than a deterrent —they were a joke.

For decades mortgage dealers insisted that home buyers be able to produce a down payment of 10 percent or more, show a steady income and good credit rating, and possess a real first and last name. Then, at the dawn of the new millennium, they suddenly threw all that shit out the window and started writing mortgages on the backs of napkins to cocktail waitresses and ex-cons carrying five bucks and a Snickers bar.

Take one $494 million issue that year, GSAMP Trust 2006S3. Many of the mortgages belonged to second-mortgage borrowers, and the average equity they had in their homes was 0.71 percent. Moreover, 58 percent of the loans included little or no documentation — no names of the borrowers, no addresses of the homes, just zip codes. Yet both of the major ratings agencies, Moody's and Standard & Poor's, rated 93 percent of the issue as investment grade. Moody's projected that less than 10 percent of the loans would default. In reality, 18 percent of the mortgages were in default within 18 months.

I ask the manager how it could be that selling something to customers that you're actually betting against — particularly when you know more about the weaknesses of those products than the customer — doesn't amount to securities fraud.

"It's exactly securities fraud," he says. "It's the heart of securities fraud."

In fact, at least $13 billion of the taxpayer money given to AIG in the bailout ultimately went to Goldman, meaning that the bank made out on the housing bubble twice: It fucked the investors who bought their horseshit CDOs by betting against its own crappy product, then it turned around and fucked the taxpayer by making him pay off those same bets.

Soaring food prices driven by the commodities bubble led to catastrophes across the planet, forcing an estimated 100 million people into hunger and sparking food riots throughout the Third World.

It began in September of last year, when then-Treasury secretary Paulson made a momentous series of decisions. Although he had already engineered a rescue of Bear Stearns a few months before and helped bail out quasi-private lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Paulson elected to let Lehman Brothers — one of Goldman's last real competitors — collapse without intervention. ("Goldman's superhero status was left intact," says market analyst Eric Salzman, "and an investment banking competitor, Lehman, goes away.") The very next day, Paulson green-lighted a massive, $85 billion bailout of AIG, which promptly turned around and repaid $13 billion it owed to Goldman. Thanks to the rescue effort, the bank ended up getting paid in full for its bad bets: By contrast, retired auto workers awaiting the Chrysler bailout will be lucky to receive 50 cents for every dollar they are owed.

And here's the real punch line. After playing an intimate role in four historic bubble catastrophes, after helping $5 trillion in wealth disappear from the NASDAQ, after pawning off thousands of toxic mortgages on pensioners and cities, after helping to drive the price of gas up to $4 a gallon and to push 100 million people around the world into hunger, after securing tens of billions of taxpayer dollars through a series of bailouts overseen by its former CEO, what did Goldman Sachs give back to the people of the United States in 2008?

Fourteen million dollars.

That is what the firm paid in taxes in 2008, an effective tax rate of exactly one, read it, one percent. The bank paid out $10 billion in compensation and benefits that same year and made a profit of more than $2 billion — yet it paid the Treasury less than a third of what it forked over to CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who made $42.9 million last year.
This should be a pitchfork-level outrage — but somehow, when Goldman released its post-bailout tax profile, hardly anyone said a word. One of the few to remark on the obscenity was Rep. Lloyd Doggett, a Democrat from Texas who serves on the House Ways and Means Committee. "With the right hand out begging for bailout money," he said, "the left is hiding it offshore."



“Henry Paulson was Secretary of the Treasury under George W Bush. Before that he was board Chairman of the Board and CEO of Goldman Sachs”

“Robert Rubin was Secretary of the Treasury under Clinton. Before that he was cochair of Goldman Sachs.”

“Larry Summers, another Secretary of the Treasury under Clinton, was a consultant to Goldman Sachs” 

“Former Treasury Secretaries Henry Paulson, Robert Rubin, and Larry Summers all came from Goldman, and current Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner rose through the ranks of government as a Summers/Rubin protégé. One commentator called the U.S. Treasury “Goldman Sachs South.””

Counter-argument article: http://blogs.reuters.com/great-debate/2009/08/07/matt-taibbi-is-just-plain-wrong-about-goldman-sachs/

Update Aug 2013:
Apparently, Goldman Sachs alumni are basically in every central bank: http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-07-01/goldman-takeover-complete-glimpse-inside-bank-england-where-mark-carney-now-presidin

wtf...

Goldman fucking Sachs

the Dark Knight Rises was whatevers

There were so many annoyances:

There was a lack of action. no one even broke the sound barrier. batman's bat copter couldn't even climb up fast enough to avoid buildings.

When bruce made that jump without the rope that got him out of the well, he didn't even take a running start. in all the previous jumps he had a running start and he still missed.

Bruce then went from some prison hole in the middle east or africa to gotham in like a day, while he was a broke man with no cash. did he take a boat?

How did those people in that prison hole get food? did they have a farm down there too?

Why were the doctors and the other dude still in that prison hole? didn't the girl's father come and clean that place up?

The sex was a one night stand and pretty damn useless of a scene. the movie basically gave sex less value than kisses

Why would batman and catwoman talk and kiss when there was only a couple of minutes until that nuke exploded. (well she was pretty hot, i'd probably do the same and think in my head "i will risk the lives of 12 million people to kiss this one hot cat woman")

They started showing bane's gentle side in those flashbacks when he's shown as the savior of an orphan, it was so painfully confusing. at first bane was pure evil, but he was actually a caring friend? and his love and loyalty to his friend tate was so deep. it seemed like he wasn't even looking to get sex out of it. not even a kiss, because he has that mask covering his mouth. where on the other hand, our hero bruce has sex with tate in an instant.

How can tate be so patient for 30 years, all the while putting on a fake smile and living the high life that she supposedly hates, and is actually having bane destroy that system. she was like the 3rd richest person in the movie. how did she get that rich?

Those missiles chasing the bat copter were extremely, extremely slow.

How did bane get everyone to submit to him?

I agree with this review: http://hollywoodandfine.com/reviews/the-dark-knight-rises-grandiose-not-grand/

"Part of the problem is the storytelling in the script by Nolan, his brother Jonathan and David Goyer. As in “The Dark Knight,” that urge to operate on a grand scale results only in a grandiosity that, ultimately, becomes a bit silly, even nonsensical."

"Hell, I’d say that anyone forecasting serious Oscar love for this lumpish, tedious film has been smoking too much of that potent, prescription California weed. “The Dark Knight Rises” rarely gets off the ground. It’s certainly not Oscar material."

lol, that potent, prescription california weed.

sinking

How do you know if you're having a quarter life crises?
Do you keep listening to electronic dance music?

How do you snap out of an addiction or a certain belief in way of thinking?
Do you have to hit rock bottom before changing yourself?
What if you don't ever hit it but you're always just sinking?

How can a depressed person not be depressed?
If a depressed person yells at himself "snap out of it" enough times, will he just snap out of? Can you really just stop feeling sad and feel awesome instead?

Do you tell yourself to STFU and quit being a little bitch. or do you listen to yourself and cry?

The biggest obstacle is a lack of willpower.

To all other problems, someone else can say to you "you're only sad cuz you allow yourself to be", or "it's only boring because you make it boring", or "it's only hard because you think it's hard", or "whatever you do, work at it with all your heart", or "work out your salvation with fear and trembling for it is God who works in you," and if you have enough willpower, even if you're sad, you can will yourself out of it and can apply the "When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story" and just snap out of it.

But when you have a lack of willpower, you're fucked.
You hate what you're doing but you do it anyways and you watch your whole world crumble in your hands.

You're trapped. and everyone just thinks you're an idiot for being so self-pitiful. And even you think you're an idiot for being so self-pitiful. It's like you're on the ground, in a fetal position, getting beat up, spit at, kicked, stomped on, and laughed at by a gang. Except you're one of the people doing the stomping. In fact you are the whole gang, there's a dozen of you, and you're doing the kicking, spitting, laughing, hating.

This article is a good description about the lack of willpower:
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro05/web3/ediamond.html


A song comes to mind:
If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

'cause i tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess i was wrong now one more time
Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
And i tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this,

So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this

Sick cycle carousel, this is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle yeah


Actually, another song comes to mind. except this second song has a happy ending. In my current position, there is no happy ending in sight.

Standing knee-deep in cold water, swiftly moving
Somehow I knew I lost something

Waiting waist-deep I saw a book there, in the river
Waiting for me to find it there
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water
The tide pulled me out to sea

Then with water in my eyes
The words began to rise from their place
They were beautiful and dread
I reached for them and fed on each phrase
They were honey on my lips
Then a bitter twist in my side
I knew they'd lay me in my grave
"Is there no one who could save me?" I cried

Sinking down deep through cold water and heavy silence
Shadows stirring in the gloom
What things lay sleeping down deep in the darkness?
Woke then to find me in my tomb

Then with water in my eyes
The words began to rise from their place
They were beautiful and dread
I reached for them and fed on each phrase
They were honey on my lips
Then a bitter twist in my side
I knew they'd lay me in my grave
"Is there no one who could save me?" I cried

And when I lost all hope to look
Someone took that heavy book from my hands
All it's weight they set aside
After they had satisfied it's demands
I felt white and black reverse
And the lifting of a curse from my heart
Then like one receiving sight
I beheld a brilliant light in the dark

why can't helen keller drive?

...because she's a woman.
We've all known this fact since childhood, but here's the science behind it.

Males have faster reaction time than females:

"in almost every age group, males have faster reaction times than females, and female disadvantage is not reduced by practice (Noble et al., 1964; Welford, 1980; Adam et al., 1999; Dane and Erzurumlugoglu, 2003; Der and Deary, 2006). The last study is remarkable because it included over 7400 subjects. Bellis (1933) reported that mean time to press a key in response to a light was 220 msec for males and 260 msec for females; for sound the difference was 190 msec (males) to 200 msec (females)."

Reaction times dictate how quickly you hit the brakes:

"Traditionally, mental processing time, or reaction time, time for a normal driver under good conditions is considered to be about 0.75 seconds....A car traveling at 65 mph will travel over 70 feet during the estimated 0.75 seconds of processing time. It takes about 0.3 seconds to apply the brake, during which time the car will travel another 28 feet, and actually stopping the car requires another 188 feet with good tires on dry roads. This means that under the best conditions, an alert driver can avoid hitting any obstacle that he perceives when it is at less than 300 feet away. With a brain reaction time of one and a half seconds, the stopping distance increases to over 350 feet. And if reaction time lengthens to two seconds, what some believe is a reasonable estimate of how long it takes for someone to interpret brake lights or turn signals when distracted, the stopping distance increases to over 400 feet. This means that a distracted driver can cause an accident even if following at a responsible 2-second distance (about 200 feet at 65 mph)."

Therefore females are bad drivers.


By the way, "Navy Top Gun fighter pilots typically score between 200 and 225 milliseconds".

on a side note, why i hate my life:
my average reaction time found from one of the sites below is 278ms. that site had collected millions of samples (other visitors to the site), and my reaction time was very far below the mean. my dreams of being a fighter pilot, race car driver, riding a motorcycle, driving in the fast lane, all basically go down the drain. the more i fight against my fate, the faster i try to drive, the more accidents i get into. most things that seem interesting, exciting, exhilarating, all involve fast reaction times - snowboarding (avoiding trees), racing in track and field (taking off at the sound of the gun), to even basketball (catching fast passes), and frisbee (closing your hands quickly enough to catch the disc). those things were and are still my passions. and for 10 years of my childhood, and i actually did want to become a fighter pilot.

i'm constantly amazed at this video




sources:
http://www.chaikinandsherman.com/brain-reaction-time-traffic-accidents.html
http://biology.clemson.edu/bpc/bp/Lab/110/reaction.htm
http://med.stanford.edu/news_releases/1999/sepreleases/reaction.html
very cool site about reaction times, with alot of stats:
http://www.humanbenchmark.com/tests/reactiontime/stats.php

resume present tense

i got confused about how to deal with tense when writing a resume. especially when trying to describe one's current job. from hours of googling, here's what i found about using present tense in resumes

usage of past or present tense:

...the tense of verbs in your bullet lists should be past tense for previous jobs: Ran point of sales register. Verbs should be present tense for jobs you currently hold: Run point of sales register. An exception to this is using a verb for something that happened in the past at your current job (from the example above: Won “Employee of the Month” May 2006, April 2008).

avoid gerunds (a gerund is a verbal that ends in -ing and functions as a noun) :

Gerunds are words that you want to avoid when writing a job description on your résumé. Having quite a few gerunds on a your résumé can make it seem like a boring and long list of duties. That’s not what your résumé is supposed to be. Make your résumé come to life by LIMITING the usage of gerunds.

I found several sites saying don't start off a bullet point with an "ing" verb, but they didn't explain why. If it's to describe a current project, it makes more sense to me to write "developing unix shell script to reduce data collection time" rather than "develop unix shell script to...", and i certainly can't use "developed" in this situation because it hasn't been developed yet.

I found additional information about using "ing" verbs, but it's not very conclusive:

Many people advise keeping verbs in the continuous present tense, using "ing" verbs such as "saying," "leading," "developing," "motivating," and "coordinating." Although "ing" verbs may sound more dynamic, other resume professionals argue that it is clearer to imagine an "I" in front of each verb, writing, for instance, "(I) lead," "(I) develop," "(I) motivate," or "(I) coordinate," if the job is current. If the job was held in the past, as most will have been, they suggest putting the verbs in simple past tense, as in "(I) led," "(I) developed," "(I) motivated," or "(I) coordinated." Either way, always remember to keep verb tense consistent throughout your entire resume.

Use action words to describe your job skills and make each job description specific and efficient. Especially if you favor the present tense in your descriptions, you might prefer using the “-ing” form of active verbs (“performing” rather than “perform”).

so in conclusion, who cares.

sources:

-http://vppa.tumblr.com/post/7111116906/job-description-gerunds-better-resume
-http://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/index.php?category_id=34&sub_category_id=40&article_id=117
-http://www.pongoresume.com/blogPosts/425/should-i-write-my-resume-in-past-or-present-tense-.cfm?CFID=13419746&CFTOKEN=2639a1708dc7a091-DCA45F9C-5056-8D3D-6629A7D136331F7F&jsessionid=ec302552aed2429e6b8a356164d55b1735b1
-http://www.lawcrossing.com/article/2081/Words-Words-Words/#
-https://www.e-education.psu.edu/styleforstudents/c8_p2.html

stuff dreams are made of

I was working on a grad school statement of purpose and wanted to use the term "the stuff dreams are made of". So i decided to google that term. I came upon this rather informative website: http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/we-such-stuff-dreams-made   

Apparently, the phrase might have come from Shakespeare's the Tempest:

Prospero:
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep. 

I had no idea what this meant. But the explanation floored me. Basically the quote was saying all the parties, skyscrappers, all that we inherit, the earth itself, and everything in it, will all fade away, as if it were a dream  (btw revels=parties). from dust we came and to dust we will return.

james 4:14 - What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes

Why blog?

I blog because I want your views, comments, likes, respect, and approval,
because it makes me feel better about myself,
because I want all the glory and attention,
because I live and seek thunderous applause from other human beings,
because I am insecure about life, about myself, and about my self worth,
and perhaps, because I have an idea to share, and I genuinely think it's a good idea that can improve the lives of those who read it.

I haven't listened to Thrice in a while

I haven't listened to Thrice in a while. but now that i did. oh peace. it brings me on my knees.


I was always one of the righteous
Never lived outside of the lines
Kept a close watch on the white wash
Disguising the dead bones inside

I was always one the good ones
Keeping tabs on everyone else

Sure that I was
One of the chosen
But I was a child of hell

But you buried me in the bright light
Yeah, you held my eyes to the sun till I could see that,
That I was worse than I ever feared I could be
But somehow, I was loved more than I ever dared to believe
Because of you

I was always one of the blameless
Or at least that's what I believed
I never thought I could have been blinded
Until I could no longer see

But you buried me in the bright light
Yeah, you held my eyes to the sun till I could see,
That I was worse than I ever feared I could be
But somehow, I was loved more than I ever dared to believe
Because of you


"Disarmed" is good too.
thrice even sounds good on dubstep: